(Article written in 2008) This article was posted in the Buffalo News in 2008 – I am re-posting it today because Former President Donald Trump called Vice President Kamala Harris “retarded” while attempting to convince top Republican donors to pour more money into his campaign, The New York Times reported Saturday.

In most homes a common family rule is not to use curse or use swear words.

In our home, the use of a curse word directed at somebody was forbidden, but if you were describing a frustrating situation or a frustrating day – certainly a substitution of the “bleep” word for I got a “darn” speeding ticket, was acceptable. But the R-Word is a whole different story.

#@%&!

Growing up in Long Island may have desensitized me to the harshness of curse words.  In my native “New Yawk” tongue these words were used to emphasize and color language.  I am not implying that east of Albany the dialect changed or that my family walked around like Ozzy Osbourne’s family; but rather in my neck of the woods it was less of an offense. I quickly learned when first moving to Buffalo that not everyone uses variegated language – “OK, I’ll tone it down.”

In our house, there is one word that is off limits – the “R” word. The word stabs me and usually causes me to SPEAK my mind. This remark is said frequently in our communities and media and the disheartening fact is that most people don’t give it a second thought.  In fact, the word usual elicits a chuckle.

Today, I read Hugh Laurie’s quote in the “The Daily Dish.” Hugh is an actor who plays the abrasive doctor on the TV show, House. “I had no idea I sounded so retarded, a dull monotone, full of clunking mistakes.” 

The R-Word

The “R” word – Retarded. This word is used so loosely in today’s language, the kids use it, adults use it , famous people use it and the media prints as if it is OK; a descriptive expression embraced by the masses.  I never hear a “bleep” when someone says the “R” word; I don’t usually see shock or offense from other listeners.

I am writing to reveal to you what the “R” word means to our family. Our daughter Jessica, who at 25 is severely, multiply disabled and needs assistance with all daily life skills.  Jess does not speak in words – she speaks in hugs, kisses and beautiful smiles.  And when we hear the “R” word, we feel pain for Jess, her friends, our family.           

             

This word is different from “curse” words.   Profane remarks are not in a traditional dictionary; however, you will find a definition for the word retarded or mental retardation.“ A condition in which a person has an IQ that is below average and that affects an individual’s learning, behavior, and development. This condition is present from birth.”*

A diagnosis of mental retardation is determined by evaluations administered by professionals.  It is a clinical term and, as painful as it may be, is acceptable.

So Many Other Words

There are so many alternative words at our fingertips besides using the word “retarded.”  My husband corrects people when he hears the “R” word and rarely says he is offended because he is the father of Jessica.  He doesn’t want people to think he is “extra sensitive”; rather, he wants others to know the word attacks a population who often cannot advocate for themselves.  I, on the other hand, usually chime in by saying our daughter is classified as “mentally retarded’ and I don’t find the term amusing. Jessica’s siblings Carly and Alex also try to patrol the use of the “R” word.

#Spread the Word to End the Word

So, the next time you want to use the “R” word, think of our beautiful loving daughter/sister who is a joy to all who know her.  Think of the people you are hurting and then please think of another word. 

More about the R Word and other stories of Life with Jessica:

For an inspiring stories about Raising a Child with a Rare Chromosome Deletion, check out 3-time award-winning memoir,  Raising Jess: A Story of Hope!